Coping vs. Regulating: How We Get Through Uncertain Times
There’s a difference between getting through something and recovering from it.
When the world feels unstable, many of us reach for whatever helps us function. We cope. We get up. We keep going. We do what we need to do to make it through the day, the week, the news cycle.
And coping isn’t wrong.
In fact, coping is often necessary.
But some coping strategies quietly tax the nervous system over time, even when they look productive, responsible, or socially acceptable on the surface.
This matters, especially in midlife, when uncertainty doesn’t just feel external, it shows up internally as fatigue, irritability, numbing, or a sense that your usual strategies aren’t working the way they used to.
This post is about the difference between coping and regulating, and why noticing that difference, without shame, can change how you move through uncertain times.
Coping Is What Helps You Function — Regulation Is What Helps You Recover
Coping strategies help us manage stress in the moment.
They can include things like:
staying busy
distraction
pushing through discomfort
over-preparing
numbing with food, alcohol, scrolling, or work
emotionally compartmentalizing so you can keep showing up
Many women I work with are exceptionally good at coping. Especially women in midlife who have spent decades holding families, careers, relationships, and crises together. They’re also saying the same thing: “I’m doing all the things I used to do to get through hard seasons — and somehow it’s not working the same way.”
The world feels louder. Decisions feel heavier. Even strategies that once helped us push through uncertainty now seem to drain more than they restore.
If you’re noticing resistance to planning, decision-making, or figuring out what’s next, that pause may not be avoidance at all. In my January 27 post, You Don’t Need a Plan Yet. You Need a Pause, I explored why hesitation can be a form of nervous system intelligence rather than a lack of motivation.
But regulation is different.
Regulation refers to the nervous system’s ability to return to a felt sense of safety after stress. Not relief. Not distraction. Safety.
A regulated system can rest.
A coping system stays alert.
And over time, living primarily in coping mode can lead to exhaustion, irritability, emotional flatness, or increased urges to numb, even if nothing is “wrong” on paper.
This isn’t a failure of willpower. It’s biology.
When Coping Starts to Cost More Than It Gives
Here’s where this gets subtle.
Some coping strategies look healthy or admirable from the outside:
staying productive
taking care of everyone else
maintaining routines at all costs
“handling it” quietly
But inside, the nervous system may still be operating as if the threat hasn’t passed.
You might notice:
difficulty settling at night
a constant low-level tension
reaching for a drink, sugar, or distraction sooner than you’d like
a sense of urgency without a clear reason
feeling emotionally distant or oddly flat
Coping strategies are how we survive uncertain times. They’re not a moral failing. They’re adaptive responses to stress.
But when uncertainty stretches on, coping alone can quietly tax the nervous system.
When uncertainty becomes prolonged, the nervous system stays on high alert, amplifying stress responses and reducing our capacity to recover. I wrote about this last week in Why Everything Feels Loud Right Now (And Why That Matters), especially how sustained instability keeps the body braced long after the initial stressor has passed.
Research on prolonged “survival mode” shows that while these stress responses are effective in the short term, staying in them too long can erode emotional regulation, energy, and resilience over time. This Psychology Today article offers a clear overview of how survival mode works — and why it’s not meant to be a permanent state.
In midlife, hormonal shifts and cumulative stress can further narrow our margin for recovery, which is why strategies that once worked may now feel insufficient.
Noticing Patterns Without Turning Them Into a Problem
This is where many women get stuck.
They notice a pattern, maybe increased drinking urges, more numbing, more over-functioning, and immediately move into self-criticism or self-correction.
“I should be handling this better.”
“I thought I was past this.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
But regulation begins with noticing, not fixing.
Noticing:
when you’re coping instead of resting
when relief feels temporary
when your system is asking for something different
Without shame.
From a nervous system perspective, behaviors that look like “bad habits” are often adaptive responses to sustained stress. These are signals, not character flaws.
And this is especially relevant in midlife, when hormonal shifts, cumulative stress, and life transitions can lower the system’s tolerance for constant coping.
This is also why so much of my work with horses focuses first on restoring nervous system safety, rather than pushing toward insight or change.
What Horses Teach About Regulation (That Humans Often Miss)
Horses are masters of nervous system regulation.
They move through stress quickly, but they don’t stay activated once the threat has passed. A horse can go from high alert to grazing in minutes because its system knows how to complete the stress cycle.
Humans often don’t.
We experience stress, but then stay mentally engaged with it, replaying, anticipating, managing. The body doesn’t get the message that it’s safe to come back online.
In equine-assisted work, horses respond not to what we say we’re feeling, but to how regulated our system actually is. They offer immediate feedback about whether we’re coping or truly settled.
This isn’t about calming down.
It’s about coming home to the body.
Why Coping at 55 Feels Different Than It Did at 35
One of the most disorienting parts of midlife is realizing that strategies that once worked reliably don’t anymore.
At 35, you might have been able to:
power through stress
recover quickly after pushing hard
compartmentalize emotions without much fallout
rely on productivity or distraction to reset yourself
At 55, those same strategies can feel exhausting, ineffective, or even destabilizing.
This isn’t because you’re weaker.
It’s because your nervous system is different.
Hormonal changes, cumulative stress exposure, grief, caregiving roles, identity shifts, and a nervous system that has logged decades of vigilance all reduce stress tolerance over time. The window for “just coping” narrows.
What once felt like resilience can start to feel like strain.
This is why many women notice:
less capacity for constant stimulation
stronger reactions to uncertainty or conflict
increased need for recovery time
coping behaviors that escalate faster than they used to
Your system isn’t failing.
It’s asking for a different kind of support.
Midlife isn’t the time to double down on endurance.
It’s the time to shift from managing stress to actually completing it.
This is where regulation becomes essential, not optional.
Not to slow you down.
But to allow strength to come from stability instead of survival.
