When Rest Still Feels Unsafe, Don’t Force It
If you read last week’s blog and thought,
Okay, yes… that makes sense. And also, I still can’t slow down,
you’re not missing the point.
You’ve just arrived at the part no one really talks about.
So… Now What?
Last week, I wrote about why rest doesn’t always feel safe, especially for women who’ve spent years being the strong one.
And while a lot of women told me they felt seen by that, many also said some version of this:
I get it. But when I actually try to rest, I can’t - I just get anxious.
That response doesn’t mean the insight didn’t land.
It means your nervous system is still doing its job.
And honestly, this topic is timely for me, too. When my business feels uncertain, my nervous system doesn’t want rest; it wants control. It wants me productive, vigilant, and constantly “on it.” And when that level of effort isn’t sustainable, my brain starts offering up dramatic conclusions, like giving up altogether. I’ve learned not to take those thoughts as instructions, but as signals that my system is overwhelmed and asking for support, not ultimatums. Naming that has helped me stop fighting myself and meet what’s actually happening with more compassion, which is exactly why this conversation about regulation matters so much.
Forcing Rest Is Still a Form of Control
Here’s what usually happens next.
You realize you’re exhausted. You understand why rest feels unsafe. And then you decide you should probably rest anyway.
So you try.
You schedule downtime like another task.
You sit still and immediately feel restless.
You tell yourself to relax and somehow feel worse.
Because when your nervous system learned that staying alert equals staying safe, forcing rest doesn’t feel soothing.
It feels like losing control.
So your system pushes back harder. With restlessness. With anxiety. With guilt. With that overwhelming urge to get up and do something—anything—that feels useful.
Psychology Today notes that trying to relax can actually increase anxiety, because it reinforces the belief that you have to do something to feel okay. Which tracks if you’ve spent years managing discomfort by staying busy, numbing out, or powering through.
That’s not failure.
That’s self-protection.
The article also talks about how easily people can get stuck in anxiety loops—reaching for distraction, overwork, food, alcohol, substances, or other compulsive behaviors just to quiet the noise.
Which is exactly why nervous-system regulation matters so much, especially for women in recovery.
You can’t think your way out of a system that’s trying to keep you safe.
I was talking with a woman recently about sleeplessness. The harder she tried to fall asleep, the worse it got. Lying there, negotiating with her body. Telling herself she needed to sleep. Watching the clock. Getting more frustrated by the minute.
That’s the same pattern. Pressure instead of safety. Control instead of regulation. And a nervous system that hears all of it as, stay alert — something important is happening.
You Don’t Go From Vigilance Straight to Rest
This is the part most self-care advice skips.
You don’t go from exhaustion straight into rest.
You go from exhaustion into regulation.
Regulation is what helps your nervous system feel safe enough to soften. Rest comes after that, not before.
So if rest feels impossible right now, the answer isn’t more discipline or better intentions.
It’s smaller, steadier signals of safety.
Not spa days.
Not meditation marathons.
Not trying to relax correctly.
Just enough grounding to let your body know you’re not asking it to drop its guard all at once.
What Regulation Actually Looks Like
Regulation isn’t fancy. It almost feels too simple to be effective, which is usually why we dismiss it. It might look like:
Sitting without trying to calm yourself
Gentle movement instead of stillness
Being near someone without having to talk
Predictable routines instead of big resets
Pausing without turning it into a productivity hack
This isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about showing your nervous system that slowing down won’t cost you everything.
Resistance Isn’t a Problem — It’s Just Information
If you notice resistance to rest, that doesn’t mean you’re bad at healing.
It means you’ve reached the edge of a long-standing pattern.
And that edge deserves respect, not bulldozing.
Pushing through it usually recreates the exact dynamic you’re trying to heal, just dressed up in softer language and maybe a candle.
A More Honest Invitation
If rest still feels unsafe, start with regulation. Start with honesty. Start with less.
This is the kind of space I hold in the Pause & Reset Hour, a monthly gathering for women who want to slow down without pressure, performance, or pretending they’re more okay than they are.
No fixing.
No forcing.
No sharing required.
And if all you take from this is permission to stop trying to rest the “right” way, that’s enough for today.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Your nervous system just wants to be met with respect.
