What Horses Taught Me About Recovery (That Therapy Didn’t)
In therapy, I could perform recovery. I could say the right words, nod at the appropriate moments, and leave feeling like I'd checked the healing box. But horses don't care about your performance. They respond to what's actually happening inside you.
After over-drinking for most of my life and a failed suicide attempt in 2009, I thought I knew what recovery looked like. I had my therapist appointments, my support groups, my recovery plan all mapped out. I was doing all the "right" things.
But I was still miserable.
The Mare Who Looked Into My Soul
In 2015, after surviving ovarian cancer, I found myself at an equine-assisted coaching session. I had a great job with great benefits, and I was absolutely fucking miserable. That's when I met a mare who would change everything.
She looked into my soul and communicated something therapy had never been able to give me: that I was enough, just the way I was. No performance required. No saying the right words or nodding at the appropriate moments. Just me, standing there navigating alcohol and cancer recovery and carrying all the complexity of those experiences, and she saw me as whole.
When Stormy Taught Me About Grace
The following week, I was at a women's retreat in Tucson, where I met Stormy, a huge Draft horse. What an experience. Stormy taught me all about grace and love, becoming an incredible cheerleader for me in ways that years of traditional therapy hadn't touched.
Here's what blew my mind: the next week I was in California for my life coach training, and at a workshop led by Equus Coach Master Facilitators, two different horses in two different states gave me the same message. Both passed their heads over mine. My interpretation: stay grounded while pursuing your dream.
Two different horses. Two different states. Same message.
Try getting that kind of consistency in therapy.
Then Sundance - The Horse That Changed Everything
But it was Sundance who taught me the most important lesson about myself, and how I showed up in life.
During my first on-site training to become an Equus Coach, I was given what seemed like a simple task: fetch Sundance for our next exercise. That's when this mare (who was in heat, by the way), decided to school me on everything I thought I knew about connection and authenticity.
I forgot some of the basic skills I'd just learned the previous two days. Like asking the horse to do what you want and continuing that request until she gets it. Instead, when Sundance pushed me, I pushed back. No requests, just pushing and struggling. Guess who won? (Hint: it wasn't me.)
It wasn't until the next morning that I realized what had happened. I had approached Sundance as a task rather than with an invitation to go for a walk with me as a partner. I felt like I let both of us down.
Sound familiar? How many times in recovery do we approach healing as a task to complete rather than a partnership with ourselves?
The Power of Authentic Connection
When I had my last opportunity for coaching that afternoon, I decided I owed it to both of us to try once more. This time, my intention was different: to listen to and speak from my heart.
As I stood there with my back to my coach and classmates, something magical happened. Sundance came alongside me, aligning her heart with mine. We slowly walked around the round pen, our steps almost matching, with no equipment whatsoever. No pushing or cajoling from either of us.
This previously antsy, animated horse was now putty in my hands. My coach asked, "Who are you, and what did you do to Sundance?"
The answer was simple: I allowed myself to be vulnerable, authentic, and to speak from my heart.
The Magic Happens in the Present Moment
Horses live entirely in the present moment. They can't think about your past mistakes or worry about your future relapses. They respond only to what's happening right now. And right now, if you're centered and authentic, you're enough.
This is what traditional therapy often misses. We spend so much time analyzing our past and worrying about our future that we forget to actually live in the present moment, where healing happens.
What Therapy Didn’t Teach Me
I'm not anti-therapy. Traditional therapeutic approaches gave me language, insight, and tools that were essential for my recovery. They helped me understand patterns, develop emotional regulation skills, and build self-awareness.
But horses taught me things that couldn't be taught in an office.
Horses don't accept your bullshit. In therapy, I could perform recovery perfectly. I knew what my therapist wanted to hear. I could analyze my patterns, discuss my triggers, and leave feeling like I'd done good work. But I wasn't actually changing.
Horses respond to your energy, not your words. They sense incongruity because they won't feel safe around it. You can't fake your way through an interaction with a horse.
Recovery isn't about perfection - it's about connection. Sundance didn't care that I messed up our first interaction. She cared about whether I could show up authentically the second time. Recovery isn't about never making mistakes; it's about learning to show up as yourself, imperfections and all.
Your body knows the truth before your mind does. When I aligned my heart with Sundance's and walked from that centered place, my body instinctively relaxed. That relaxation sent a "safe" energy that the horse picked up on. Our healing happens in our bodies, not just in our heads.
True leadership comes from inner authority, not external control. Horses are hierarchical animals that naturally follow strong, confident leadership. But they can instantly assess whether your leadership comes from authentic inner authority or from trying to control and manipulate. Recovery requires learning to trust your own inner authority.
They taught me that healing isn't just psychological - it's biological, energetic, and embodied. That recovery isn't just about changing thoughts and behaviors - it's about nervous system transformation. That true healing happens when your body believes you're safe, not just when your mind understands why you weren't.
Your Recovery Deserves More Than Performance
Your healing journey is uniquely yours. And, whatever path you choose, make sure it honors all of who you are - not just the part that can think and talk about trauma, but the part that lives and breathes and feels it too.
If you're tired of performing recovery instead of actually healing, if you're sick of saying the right words while feeling dead inside, if you want to connect with your authentic self rather than the version you think everyone wants to see - horses might be your answer.
They won't care about your credentials, your recovery timeline, or how well you can articulate your trauma. They'll care about whether you can show up as yourself.
And sometimes, that's exactly what recovery needs.
Ready to explore healing approaches that honor your whole being? I offer Equus Coaching and support for women navigating recovery - because your healing deserves more than just checking boxes.
